Ambivalent?

I'm not even sure what I'm thinking.
Ambivalence is the norm it seems,
And at times the chaos is overwhelming.
I want order.
I want symmetry.
I just want clear indication,
As to what this all is.
These words, they form and then die, don't they?
These thoughts, they breed and then die, don't they?
Every day the beauty of one day is given up for the next,
It seems nothing is forever.
Sure I know this,
But I feel overwhelmed to the point of neurosis.
I can't understand it,
I can't figure it out,
And it pains me.
Am I neurotic? I don't know;
But that's precisely it, I don't know, I can't rationally ascertain it,
I can't grasp it,
I can't calculate it,
And it breaks me.
Ambivalence is the norm it seems,
When you don't let life,
Be life,
And you don't let beauty,
Be beautiful,
When you don't let God,
be God.