Concession

And so I concede.

I give up.

You won this fight.

I can't get up.

These words aren't enough.

These objections too weak.

I've fought to run;

Yet you've fought to seek.

You take my freedom;

You reveal my futility:

I must stop fighting for myself,

And accept humility.

For if I could have won on my own,

By God You'd know I'd have done it,

But I couldn't,

Cause You wouldn't let go.

So I let go,

Because I had to.

My life is in Your hands.

It is God who Justifies

³¹What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? ³³Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.

God has justified me. Justified me. The Creator of the universe, who holds eternity in His hand, has declared me "rightened." I have been set aright. I have been acquitted, given grace, and given pardon from the things that held me bound. I have been freed. I have been justified, by God.

Wow...it amazes me how powerful that is, and yet I have to admit that until just now, I don't know that I have allowed that concept to truly sink in to my psyche. If God is the one who justifies you, then yeah, who can be against you!? There is no qualified accuser. Everyone pales into comparison with your righteous judge, who has fully acquitted you, and even declared you "righteous." Who can be against you?

Yet we allow the world to come against us every day. We constantly fend off accusations. We constantly question ourselves in light of our context, and don't assert ourselves in light of our Ultimate Judge.

But above all, the enemy is the one who dares to challenge us every day. He is the accuser of the brethren, and every opportunity he gets he's in there to "be against us." He's in there to challenge the validity of our acquittal. To question the veracity of our pardon. And the reality of our newfound righteousness (rightness). We cannot allow him to do that though. We have to remember, God justified us! So who, can be, against us! No one.

Then the latter part of this verse goes even further; there is also no reason to condemn ourselves, because the sentence has already been carried out in Christ. He was killed to absolve us of our incumbent punitive sins. We are worthy of punishment, but have been declared worthy of pardon only through Christ and His death. So because of that death, who can question our acquittal? No one. To question that is to insult the cross of Christ. God has justified us...

GOD HAS JUSTIFIED US..

GOD HAS JUSTIFIED US!

The Creator of everything has looked to your acceptance of His son and said "you are now justified." No one can stand up to that. So any time the devil begins to creep in with those lies and those accusations, let us always remember that again, GOD is the one who justified us.

And no one can question that.

We aren't good

We are imperfect beings. Yet we are always striving for perfection. Truly, this is the paradox of human behavior.
We all have ideas of what we see as the "good things" about humanity, and there is perhaps no greater example of this than love.
Anyone can testify to the goodness of love. There isn't a person out there who, once having experienced or properly observed true love in one way or another, would point to that experience and say "that was a bad thing."
And yet in spite of the fact that we are so easily able to define the goodness of love, we cringe at the thought that there is an epitome of that goodness. Simple, it's hard for us to imagine, truly perfect love.
Yet is this not the logical outworking of something that must be "truly" good? Ought there not be a source of that goodness? A basic, bottom line definer for that goodness? Without it, love, along with any other "good" thing in our world, becomes an empty, hollow concept. It has no ultimate meaning, no ultimate definition or purpose. It is completely emptied of substance.
But even in the acknowledgment of this, we are still so often challenged by the idea of perfect love. It can be easy for us to ultimately concede to a perfect source of love, but when we begin to think on a God who is perfect love and who cannot love imperfectly, we cannot help but cringe.
Why?

Because to truly concede to that is to admit your imperfection. To fully acquiesce to that idea is to admit failure, true inadequacy, and the profundity of your human limitation. It is to confess His Lordship.

And man is that hard to do. To say that He is qualitatively better than you. To know that He is qualitatively completely better than you. You are bad. He is Good. You are imperfect. He is Perfect. You are man, and He is God.

The admittal of this divide between us and God is hard. But boy is it necessary. If we continue to adhere to our the futility of our human "goodness" true love will never be exhitibed. If it hasn't been clear, I am writing this to Christians as well. Any of us can easily cling to our human goodness, our human sufficiency, even after we've allowed God in: because it truly is so easy to just be human, and not be Godly. In order to do that we must continously admit His goodness, an our "badness." We must acknowledge His perfection, and our imperfection. And we must do these things because when it comes to those "good" things that we can only truly do through Him, things such as love are paramount to the success of the Church. Without it, our world will fail to see the true glimpse of the Father. They will fail to See Him in us, and so fail to know Him, because we failed to know that,
He is good, and we are not.

Unfinished Works

The fully autonomous self is the false self. The true self, is defined through Christ.

We have been so trained to see the world through our own autonomy (individualism). In fact, I have to admit that I myself was quite immersed in this perspective. This was such that while reading a book that questioned the autonomous self, I realized that on a logical plane I had never thought of the word "self" outside of autonomy. I thought, what else is "me" apart from solely me? In order to define "me," am I not violating the terms if I begin to define myself in terms of someone or even something else apart from me? I basically saw anything external to me as quintessentially not me, and thereby, unqualified to define me.

This was my view on defining me: the truly, completely, autonomous "self," right down to the letter.

Kudos to you, Western world. You've had quite the influence.

But is this the definition of "self" that Scripture gives? Absolutely not.

Galatians 2:20 ²⁰I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Colossians 2:2-3 ²Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. ³For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

Romans 11:36 ³⁶For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.

These verses essentially clue us in to one of the premier, overarching biblical themes: true humanity is found through God, not through ourselves. Our existence is fundamentally defined through God (He created us) and therefore variably dysfunctional without Him. On a sheerly logical plane, one can see how this makes sense. Simply, if we are inherently contingent beings at the very core of our existence, then it is only in the outright acknowledgment of that contingency that true self-identity can be obtained. Without it, we delude ourselves into the idea of an absolutely autonomous existence, and not one of absolutely dependency. This is how things appear on a rational plane.

But there is also a more formative, Christian assuming actuation of this idea as well. That is, being people with the divine "imprint" upon our existence, think about that in relation to how we typically see imprints in the world. Things like a watch that "finds" it's watchmaker, a house that finds its architect, or a pot that finds its potter. Upon the meeting of these things with the person that created them, the true "mark" of the imprint that you see upon that item can now most fully be understood. You may be able to look at the careful hands, the classy style, or a whole slew of other things. He or she may be able to make it work better, fix problems others wouldn't see, or tap into abilities, capabilities or uses of these objects that only the original craftsperson could envision.

But I also want to take this comparison in a different direction. That is, I think the strongest point of this allusion is that we, being the handiwork of the ultimate Craftsmen, are the quintessentially unfinished works. We are God's masterpieces, but we are also constantly being formed. Because with us, God will not settle for anything less than perfection. He sent His law, and then ultimately His Son, as an attestation to that. However, the "down" side to that is that for us, perfection will not be met in this life; all is literally "perfected" in the glorification of our bodies in the end. So it is until that point that we must be in contact with our Creator. We must allow Him to keep our clocks ticking, to break and mold our clay when needed, or to maintain our house on the solid rock through life's years of wear and tear. Without Him we are forgotten works, old broken clocks or dying houses, Rembrandts, Mona Lisa's, and 9th symponies left unfinished, unremembered, lost in the vaccuous realm of half-ideas, fleeting thoughts, and forgotten inspirations. We must let Him finish the work. And the bottom line is that this will not happen if we do not know that we are the work, and not the worker. Just as a painting sitting in a room, or a symphony on a music sheet, or a mansion's plans on a drawing board, or, or, or... None of these things become anything until the worker does the job. And that's just it; we aren't the worker, and until we realize that we will never reach the fullness of our "selves." Who we "are" will always fall short, because we simply will not become anything: because coming to "be" for a work of art, demands the complete concession to the beautiful activity of the artist.
We must allow him to define us, and stop trying to define ourselves.

The fully autonomous self is the false self. The true self, is defined through Christ.

What is "I"?

I am such a constantly self-reflective person. I am always thinking about that….I often feel that I don’t know who I am completely. I need to have a better idea of who I am, but I also don’t want to consider it to the point that I’m not thinking on anyone but myself. This has often, and lately, been my struggle. In truth, I have often shied away from introspection because it makes me feel haughty, but then again in avoiding it I continue to do it because I have loose ends left untied….

I don’t know, it can be easy to get hung up on ourselves almost indefinitely. It truly can. But on another side, I think it can be good to work through those things, because when we define ourselves fully before Him and others, we are then enabled to minister to others better. I guess I’m kind of dancing around one idea; without an identity, how can I help someone? Think about that statement “How can "I "help someone.” By saying “I,” “I” am implicitly making a reference point. I am saying “I”, the person defined as “me” is helping someone. Well, if “I” is an empty and hollow thing, an empty, baseless entity, then what does “I” have to offer to someone else? What even, does “I” have to offer to God? I think we need to be defined. God doesn’t define us in vacuous terms, and neither should we do so for ourselves. We need to be “us,” to be “me” and “I,” and *know* what that means. Yes, within the overall message of the biblical text there is a definition of “me” to be found. There’s one for me, you, for everyone. There’s one out there for every person. And yet, without tapping into that, without tapping in both to God, ourselves, and others to find what that “I” is, then there isn’t any “I” that we have to offer to a world so desperately in need of truer self identification. We say that the world is “lost.” Well what do we want them to find? "Them"selves in Christ. Well how can “they” be defined if “we” aren’t defined? How can “we” (the Church) be defined if “I’m” not defined? I don’t think we can.

So, I think I am fair to understand “me” better. I have come to that point now…even in writing this. Ha. So God, help me to be okay with knowing “me” so that “I” can better understand how to help others find “them”selves.

Beauty in Scripture

"You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen..... 'But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. ... At the head of every street you built your lofty shrines and degraded your beauty, offering your body with increasing promiscuity to anyone who passed by."


This is all from Ezekiel 16. I think it gives us a "beautiful," ha, picture of how God understands beauty. He made Israel beautiful, and it meant so much more than outward appearance. It was about heart, about devotion and faithfulness. It was about relationship, relationship with Him. And then they threw it away. They tossed it away completely, and honestly to use God's language here "whored themselves out" to anyone, not even seeking 'payment.' The allegorical language in this chapter is very strong. It tells the story of a beautiful woman, who "degrades her beauty" by selling herself to everyone and anyone, at the same time essentially defecating all over the beautiful covenant relationship that God had entered into with her. This is how God saw, and sees beauty; again, about relationship, about the heart, about the inside, not the out. One more time…

Ezekiel 16:14-25 (greatly abridged): "You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen..... 'But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. ... At the head of every street you built your lofty shrines and degraded your beauty, offering your body with increasing promiscuity to anyone who passed by."

The fall of God's beautiful maiden. The fall of beauty. Because of age? No. Because of disfigurement? No.
So what was it that degraded Israel’s beauty? What was it that so deeply tainted them in the eyes of God, their lover?
It was unfaithfulness, ungratefulness, and dirty, sordid behavior. It was, at it’s root,
Broken relationship.

Loving your Beautiful Wife, take 2

It's all about that Love that defines everything. It is fundamentally relational, and so it overshadows all objectified distortions of relational connection between people. And this is most certainly the case in romantic love, in the beautiful bond between a man and a woman, that God has ordained. He calls the groom to have a love for his wife like Christ exhibited for the church. In that there is no objectified errancy; there is only relational union. That is what I am called to. That is what we are all called to, if we feel that we are ready for marriage.
Looking beyond the things that fade away, and looking to the things that last. A person, for whom they are, at the heart of their relational self. And there are a couple neat things about that "relational identity:"

One, since the apex of our relational identity is found in relationship with Christ, the most beautiful woman is going to be one whose relationship with Him is vibrant and constant. A beautiful, healthy relational connection with the Author of relationship will shine more beautifully than all other components of beauty. This is what makes a woman glow. This is what makes her a person to spend forever with; because at the core of herself is a connection with the One who shows her, at its foundation, what "forever" feels like.

And two, her relational self will also strongly exhibit herself in her relationship with others. This is the secondmost truly beautiful thing about a woman of God. She shines as one who attempts to take her primary relationship with Christ, and project that on to all those around her. She glows for Christ, and that light shines through in her treatment of others. Simply, a woman who loves God and loves people is the most gorgeous of all.

You'll notice a simple pattern in these two characteristics; they are directly derived from Christ's two greatest commandments. I think this gives further credence to what is being said her about "beauty" because the more a woman's behavior reflects the true heart and character of God (by living in accordance with His two greatest commandments) then the more beautiful she will become.

And having said that, one particular reason I think it is paramount that we put these characteristics before physical appearance is the simple issue of aging, and potentially tragic deformative events. I am not one to be too gloomy, but on one side of things one mus consider the simple idea of their spouse aging, ultimately becoming "less physically attractive" than they are in their 20s-30s, and on the other, the more difficult idea of somethign tramautic happening to your spouse that naturally makes them less physically appealing than before.
To deal with the "simpler" idea first, again the issue is focusing on that person's relational rather than physical self. That's what ought to define them in your eyes, and that is what serves as the true basis for your love for him or her. Without that, then in due time when the natural "sands of time" pass over the face and frame of your mate, the connection between you and that person will rapidly dissolve. And if marriage is to be taken seriously, to be taken as something that is called to endure forever for the Christian, then in view of this it is absolutely crucial that the true definition of "beauty" and "love" be understood when going in. That is, that it must be about that person's inner beauty, it must be about their relational self, connected with God and with others. It must be about those things because those things, can last forever. And in spite of wrinkles, hunched shoulders, and shaky knees (haha :-) ) when the connection between two people is based upon Christ-rooted relationship, none of those transiet, temporal indicators will matter.

And yes, this ultimately transitions into the far more difficult realm, of the physically disfigured spouse. I am not one to say that such an experience is easy. However, I am one to say that if God takes marriage as seriously as He says He does, He can fully empower His people to see through His eyes of relational, rather than physical, union with their spouse. With those such eyes He can help us in our weakness, and fully enable us to think as relational rather than physical people. Again though, it may even be a misnomer at this point to say "help in our weakness" because if our connection with our spouse has been based within relational, Christ based connection from the start, if that has been the true definition and basis for our love, then our love should have little trouble changing despite adverse, physical circumstances. This is the power, I believe, that true love for one another can have. This is the power that true beauty defined through true love can have. That is,iIt's not about physical adversity, but about spiritual, relational union: where no matter what happens in the physical realm, that person always remains deeply loved and immensely beautiful on this side of eternity. That no matter what happens: this is what true, God based love can accomplish.

Loving your Beautiful Wife

I believe in Love. It defines everything. Takes everything, and puts it in the right perspective. And I believe in Beauty. That through love, true beauty is given. It defines all things, makes them true in the way they ought to be. God, I believe in deliverance from superficiality. I think true love and a true understanding of beauty can give that.

I also believe that with you true love is given for that one person. There is a sanctioning of marriage in your eyes, where that one person becomes the pinnacle recipient of true love. Of love, eternal and everlasting. And I think that in that, true beauty, and true love, are defined.
I say this because there are women of all shapes and sizes. Women of a variety of different facial structures and appearances, and yet our world tells us a certain figure is requisite for genuine, or maybe optimal, attraction. A women without adequate curves is not truly attractive, at least, not as possibly attractive as a women who has them. Now I must say, the question of pragmatics here is one to wrestle with. That is, one cannot deny the basic level of attraction within these certain physical characteristics. However, if one is willing to concede to that entirely, I think they slide into something irreconcilable with the Christian worldview. If all women are beautiful, all created in God's image, then how can I reduce one's "beauty" to their physical stature? I know this treads on awkward ground though. Do we not say that some women, or men for that matter, are attractive while others are not? Is there not merit to that? I can't say I'm unrealistic enough to say there isn't. However, I think we can quickly conform to the world's definition of these standards and not to God's. Everyone is created in God's image, a reflection of His true, and perfect beauty. And in that, one will search for beauty that is within, not without. This, in truth, is also the Scriptural definition. This is how Peter defines true beauty in one of his epistles. It is about inner beauty, about the heart, about the things about us that reflect God, who isn't physical. He is beyond the physical, and fundamentally relational. So it is within that, within the realm of seeing things as fundamentally relational when it comes to beauty, that I believe the Christian is callled to go. We are called to see men and women in that light; in the light of true beauty, as reflections of God: not reflections of their physical makeup.

Anyway, I think one is called to understand this in considering marriage. I say this because regardless of how physically "beautiful" your wife may or may not be, the bottom line is that there are simply too many things to define as physically attractive to argue that there is one woman out there more attractive than others in sheerly physical terms. If you adhere to that, it won't take you long before you begin eyeing someone else. Before you begin comparing your spouse to others, to see if she measures up. Because see, even if she is amazingly beautiful, if you think in the physically comparative way, you are still thinking in a comparative way. Meaning that, you are always wanting/willing to compare her to others. And who knows if that time will come when she doesn't measure up? But the thing is, even if that time never comes, it still reflects an incredibly inadequate understanding of beauty and appreciation for your wife. Why? Because she isn't to be compared to anyone, she is to stand alone. And in comparing her, you are implicitly questioning the superiority of her beauty in your life.

I mean, here's the thing I'm getting at; again, even if she is incredibly beautiful, when you think in sheerly physical terms there is no absolute. I should have said that in the beginning; in physical terms there is no absolute. Men can find one woman attractive and another not for the same or completely different reasons. But even if you want to argue, again, that there are basic phyiscal characteristics to which all men are attracted, the bottom line is that there is no, singular, perfect woman. Even if you took all the women with the "right characteristics" and put them in a room, you're going to be hard pressed to find a unanimous decision on who is the most attractive. Why? Because the fact is that there is not one, singular, physically perfect woman to all. There are facial issues. Facial structures, hair colors, a billion things that get involved that can vary from guy to guy. And if you spend your life trying to find that one woman, that's the problem: you won't find her. Physicality is too relative. There are too many things to distinguish one woman from another. However, again the one main thing that causes this physical view of women to be problematic is it misses the true view of women and their beauty: that it is fundamentally internal and relational.

Again, without any kind of relational value to women, what is there to distinguish one attractive woman from another? Because physicality varies from man to man, even among the "curvacious" women, the only thing left to distinguish one woman from another is relational connection. It's sad because we let people immerse themselves in the understanding of physical attraction and dont' teach them how crucial relational connection is to be married to someone. We have to get at what really matters for a women over and beyond her physical stature. That's really what lasts. That's really what's most important, beyond all things, the thing that you have to understand for your wife.

So anyway, in being in Love with my signficant other I am called to understand her Beauty. By that I mean she should be the most beautiful woman on the planet to me, because beauty is defined by what's inside, not on the outside (regardless of how attractive I might find her on the outside :-) ) It's about that commitment to her, that love, that unison with her that is most important. In loving her like Christ loves the church, the love I am called to is trans-physical. Anything physical that would try and hinder us as a couple is not God's understanding. This is the problem for us; we need to learn to marry someone, seeing them as the most beautiful, and attractive person to us, on the planet. They are the number one. And they can be that number one, because their beauty, is far beyond physicality; it's deeply relational and internal.

The Heart of God

Isaiah 10:1-4a

¹ Woe to those who make unjust laws,
to those who issue oppressive decrees,

² to deprive the poor of their rights
and withhold justice from the oppressed of my people,
making widows their prey
and robbing the fatherless.

³ What will you do on the day of reckoning,
when disaster comes from afar?
To whom will you run for help?
Where will you leave your riches?

⁴ Nothing will remain but to cringe among the captives
or fall among the slain.

There are things that give us a better clue into the heart and mind of God. That's a profound thought, isn't it? To know the heart of God. That's a hard thing...an elusive thing, when you think about how dirty our hearts truly are. But in reading His word, I am given that picture. I am given an understanding of Him and how He thinks and acts.... And man...what a beautiful picture you get here in Isaiah 10.
But I'm gonna be honest, so often I find myself wondering: "Why am I reading the bible?"
And then this goes more specifically into "So what exactly do I believe about the bible?"
In reading these words...sometimes I have to stop, and think..."What...am I doing? What exactly...is going on here?"
But it's in moments like those that..what I'm thinking now, hits me: this is the heart of God. I am reading...Him.
I read His word because in it, I can find HIM. I can find...God. He's in there, because His Spirit, is imprinted upon the pages, inspired within those words for us to receive that same message, of His heart, today. So when I read, I don't want to fall into the trap I do so often, of essentially just skimming the pages, or even reading but reading without any true, connection to the text. I want to stop and think "What...is going on here?" And then know what it is:
God is showing me,
His heart.
And with that in mind, I really think this passage in Isaiah can sink in so much better. Can really...take root and show me:
God is about the oppressed.
The suffering.
And injustice. He cries out against the injustice of this world, even saying that the only place the enactors of injustice will go,
Is among the slain.

God is a just God. This is His heart. And I would have missed that,
Had I not stopped, and thought,
"Why am I reading this?"

I love the fall

I love the fall.
I love the incoming of the cooler winds, the crisp touch of cooler air as the earth's rotation slowly becomes evident here, right where we are in the central US.
I suppose there are practical reasons for this. I'm not a hot weather kind of guy and I genuinely love the cooler climate. I've always thought I was meant to grow up in the north. And I've felt more confident in that when I can say that I'll take a 10 degree day over a 100 degree day every time.
But apart from what's practical, I think there's a nostalgic feel to the fall air for me as well.
As soon as that cold air begins to sweep in, my mind is instantly taken to long, cold walks around Lee University, spending an immense amount of quality time with Jesus. So many times, during the colder months of the school year, I had great times with Him around that beautiful campus. And I love that it seems no matter how much time passes, the feel of crisp cold air can bring those memories shooting back to the forefront of my mind. I know it's only been two years, but every fall while I was there previous years came soaring back, and now entering my second year away, the effect is the same.
There actually is a term for this in psychology, called a "reintegrative memory." This is when some sort of sensory input not only causes you to remember a certain memoory, but to feel the way you felt during the time of that memory.

And for whatever reason, my "reintegrative" moments seem much more frequent when the cooler months come creeping in.

So here's to many more cool evenings, now traipsing around Evangel's campus, letting God continue to let the sweet climate of this time of year bring many more happy autumn days into my ever increasing "nostalgic reservoir." :-)

Man, I love the fall.

:-)

Let that moment between breathing and thought be special,Very special, if you can.Allow that time between eye opening and thought be valued,So valued, if you can.Each moment is a gift,
Allow it to bring life to that rift
You may fill with apathy,
With unsatisfactory, dull inadequacy,
And emptiness.
Life is from Him to you for the taking.
Don't let that be forgotten

A Good Day

Today is a wonderful day. I love the feeling in the air, where it's slightly cool but still sunny and warm enough to wear springtime clothes. I love it. I think the high today is 57, so this morning going to class at about 48, it felt great to me.

I got a good amount of sleep last night, and though I woke up groggy it was again the sunny coolness in the air that "chippered me up," haha. I also decided to wear my gym pants? They're basically gym short material but as long as pants. I love them, they're so light and comfortable, and when I put on my flip flops this afternoon, man, I'll just feel goooood ;-).

One fun thing to mention that might have contributed to my morning chipper was the uplifting and exciting dream I had last night. I dreamt that I could fly a small plane, and I remember taking off, flying around through the sky, and it was SO REAL! The sky was beautiful and clear, and I just coasted along in the sky, taking it all in. then things got a bit more interesting, when I somehow landed in a house that basically had this...huge, open wall on their second floor. So it was like...walking up to a room in a house where one wall, and the ceiling, was missing. After landing here I started walking around and there was a lady sitting on a couch. I fully suspected her to freak out at seeing this random guy in her house, but she just kind of smiled and told me to watch out for the dog. Well, it didn't bother me much because I found that the dog was just a little Pomeranian (sp?) Anyway, so I'm walking around in this house and then I stumble into a few kids, probably 12-15 years old, and we start playing games in their downstairs. I don't remember anything specific, but we were just hanging out, talking and stuff. Also, I found it humorous that they were all black. haha, maybe cause I hung out with Ramsey last night? hahaha, idk....Anyway, so then somehow Pastor Ronnie showed up. BUt it was about that time that I realized dusk was setting in, and I was like "O crap, I can't fly home in the dark!" So I start getting ready to fly back, all the while also realizing that i have no idea even HOW to get back, since I basically stumbled on this house by accident. And that's about when I woke up; dusk outside, trying to figure out how to fly back. A fun dream all and all :-)

So anyway, considering that and other things, today just feels like a good day. Of course, sort of hovering over my horizon are the questions of what I'mgoing to do this summer. What can I do to make as much money as possible? And perhaps more importantly, will I be able to start making money this fall that makes me less dependent on Stafford loans? Ultimately that is my prayer. But right now there are definitely many options out there, and I"m just praying for God to show me what to do or just what to wait on.

So today's a good day; I pray maybe it'll be capped off by some more direction for the coming months :-)

Remember Me

I still remember him so well, even unto this day.
But to tell you the truth, he'd be pretty hard to forget.
I mean, yeah he was one of those guys that did a lot of good while he was around.
But it's that last time with him that....
Gosh,
I just can't get out of my head.
You know, I suppose you always think the last time you talk to someone,
And they know their time has come, that those words are going to mean something:
They're going to shake you.
But with him....
It was different
Even painful..
And to this day, they haven't left me.
Ha, how could they!
You see, I'm sure most would agree that a dying loved one looking you in the eyes and saying
"Remember me" would leave quite the mark.
Indeed, such words have probably moved many to greatness in memory of their lost loved one.
But his words...
Have not just challenged me;
They've challenged the world.
How could one say such selfless...
Such incredibly selfless things!
I mean, this was his life he was talking about, and here he was telling us that he was
CHOOSING to give it over to us!
And yet there they were, those words of love I am yet able to understand,
But that will be with me, for the rest of my life..

"This is my body, which is broken...
For you.
This is my blood, which is poured out...
For you...


Remember me."

Sledding! :-)

So today I did something I haven't done since I think I was 12; went sledding! :-)
I took my mentee, Sal, and met up with Kate at the big hill across from CBC.
I'll be honest and say I was a little unsure if I was going to have any kind of effective sled, but then this morning Kate said her friends had recommended trash bags.
Man, did they work!
But what was really cool was the sled I made;
I took a tarp I've had for like two years and never used and wrapped it around a bulletin board. I then tied the tarp tightly around it with rope. Sadly though, after doing that last night I was still thinking "I'm not sure if this is going to work...it's probably just too big, flat and heavy."
Well, problem solved when I put a trash bag over it!
Man, because that thing weighed a pretty good bit and then had something with very little friction wrapped around it, it flew down the hill.
Which caused too funny stories;
1 - the first time I went down on my butt on that thing, I flew off the ledge at the end of the hill. Little did I know it was concrete down there; so I FLOPPED on my butt. Yep, my tail bone still hurts :/. Just glad I didn't hit it harder!
2 - After that I learned how to basically role off and not fly off the ledge. So I was pretty confident when Kate tried it that there would be no problem. Haha...nope....
She went flying off the ledge and did like a 180 body flap down there in the mud... She lost her keys and stuff for a second.
She wasn't too happy with me on the walk up :-) haha....
So anyway, all in all it was a pretty awesome time.
And I think my sled deserves a prize for the day or something :-)

Prayer

Intimacy is about listening. Truly, about listening. Yes we have to engage, but I think so often we forget that in order to be intimate, we have to soak up the other person. We have to enjoy them, just because they're there, and we can't do that if we're so focused on ourselves that we don't give them a moment to speak: if we don't stop one moment and listen.
And yet I so often find myself having this problem in my time with God. I forget that He's there, and He wants to spend time with me, honestly, much more than I could ever want to spend time with Him. Yet, so often...I never stop and let Him spend time with me. It's always about my time with Him.
Sometimes we just need to sit back,
And listen.

And it's not just about Him speaking to you, in some direct, audible sense. It' just about...letting Him be there. His presence, is sufficient. I know that sounds basic, but man, so often that I miss that. That I miss that it's just about....letting Him be there, and to stop trying to ask Him for things. To stop trying to seek Him for things, to stop consuming my thoughts with how I can come to Him, but sit back and let Him come to me. So much of this life, I think, is about communion with God. Well, I suppose it all is at its root, but the reality is that that deep, intimate communion cannot be engaged in 24/7. It's only when we take the time to go to our prayer closet, and truly seek Him, and then let Him be found, that we have that. It's the only time that I have it, and sadly I realize how often I'm engaged in that time only allowing it to be all about me, and not Him.
My prayer is that I can learn to fix that.

A good relationship

A good relationship is a wonderful thing.
I never would have imagined I would have been humbled this many times, and had to deal with my own imperfections this many times, as I have in being in a healthy relationship.
It's so often when you both come forward with your respective realizations of your shortcomings. When you both realize that there are things about your personality, or certain behavioral patterns that you've developed, that simply aren't the most relationally endearing as you would like them to be. It's just so wonderful when you come into a conversation thinking that the other person might be offended or get mad at you, but is instead glad that you brought it up and is willing to work on it and get better. That, quite simply, they care tremendously for you and are willing to do anything they can for you to make sure that this relationship stays healthy and joyous. It's just such an awesome thing.

And then even though you come away knowing a glaring flaw of yours might have just been plastered before both you and her to be worked on, the fact is that you've gained an insight into yourself to help better yourself, and a window into a way to continue to grow closer to someone that you value in so many ways. I suppose it's a fairly basic relationship fact, but problems either push you further away or draw you closer together. And in my case, it seems that again and again, we keep getting closer, and closer, and closer.

Truly, a healthy relationship is a wonderful thing :-)

Que me está llamando con fuerza

Hay algo en mi espiritu, y me está quemando con fuerza.
Hay un poder dentro de mis huesos, y me está rompiendo con fuerza.
Hay un deseo en mi ser, y a mí me clama gritando:
"Hay algo, y es Mi Espiritu, que te está llamando con fuerza."

Run Run Run!

So I did something I haven't done in a while today; run.

See, back in the day, mainly my freshman and sophomore years of college, I used to run a mile and a half fairly regularly. I particularly remember my freshman year, in which I really grew to love the "after run" feel and really just felt pretty healthy for some time.
Well, the only problem was that since my hips are crooked, I eventually gave up running because my lower back and hips would start to get sore in some weird places. It just didn't feel normal. It really kind of sucked, because it's hard to find anything that so quickly gets your heart rate up super high and leaves you soaked with sweat. Mmm endorphins :-)

So anyway, my chiropractor here in Springfield gave me a lift to put in my left shoe so that my hips don't hit the ground so crooked anymore (basically my left leg stretched down further than my right) Because of this, running shouldn't be the problem for me that it used to be. So....

I started back tonight. It was nice; I felt great afterwards and everything. But the sad thing is that back in the day, I would basically go outside and at least run a mile on cold legs. Nowadays...it just doesn't happen.

See, back in December Kate and I ran a few times, and the first time around I about killed myself to run 3/4 a mile. Yeah, sad. Worse yet, that "good"feeling after running didn't come. I basically just felt light headed and sick afterwards. My chest, throat, and everything hurt from the heavy breathing . My body just wasn't running prepared anymore... So...
We ran again a couple days later, and I had the same results. Now, in all of my running history, though I have always hated (mostly) running itself, I have learned to love it for the feeling afterwards. Well, now for whatever reason even that was gone. I guess my body was so out of shape or something that I just couldn't get back into like I used to.

Anyways, so I say all that to say that when I ran tonight, I ran a whopping 2 1/4 laps on a track. Meaning I ran like...barely over half of a mile. Yep, pitiful. Very pitiful. But even with THAT, my chest and everything was hurting. I felt great afterwards, but it was only after some time of letting my chest calm down. So the question I've been wondering is "why the heck is my body struggling with it so much more now? Even back in the day if it killed my legs, I still felt great after a mile, now I feel horrible after a half mile!"

Well, here's my main theory; my lungs, particularly my right lung, have not 100% recovered from the Chilean cold of death I had a year and a half ago. When that cold began to change into pneumonia (I'm pretty sure it was on its way) all of the rattling that I heard in my lungs was in my right lung. Secondly, when my back muscles were getting torn to shreads, it was particularly my right side that got screwed up. There was a particular spot on my lower ribs that sometimes would hurt whether or not I coughed; it would be oober sensitive at all times no matter what (on the bad days). Well, tonight when I ran I realized a couple very telling things: one, that when my chest was hurting/struggling during and after running, it was almost solely on my right side. It felt like my right lung was really hurting. Secondly, I coughed later and the same spot that used to hurt when I had that cold actually cramped up (sad day I know). Finally, ever since that cold (this is gross to some, I'm sorry) it's been only for very short periods of time that all color has left my mucus. Yes, for a year a half, yellow to green somethings when I blew my nose were fairly regular. Well, tonight after running I was still coughing stuff up a bit, and it was mainly my right side that felt like it was cramping a bit, and even felt like I was weezing a bit sometimes. LIke..my right lung if I breathed out a lot, didn't seem to be able to breath out at full capacity.

So yep, that's my theory; I think the lack of running since that trip has not pushed my respiratory system to re-strengthen to full potential again. SOOOO the plan is, I plan on continuing to run now, and hopefully it shouldn't be long before these lungs come back to full power :-)

Happy January 19th

Today is a good day :-). I think it's like fifty degrees and sunny outside. And that equals a smily day. Yes, I just said the word smily.
Also, though it probably sounds lame, after watching the movie 2012 last night, it made me a little more thankful for everything this morning. I mean, yes, it was a movie, but with the Haiti earthquake having just happened, in a weird sort of way it kind of hit home. Just to think that right now in Haiti, a whole lot of the anxious, fearful, desperate mentality that saturated that film are a reality. To think that right now there are literally thousands upon thousands of people dead, with their corresponding thousands of families mourning their passing. Or perhaps worse, the horrid unknown of having still not found his or her body. Disaster, quite simply, is a terrible thing.

But here I sit in comfy Springfield MO, a pretty sunny January day, having slept in my nice, comfy apartment and driven here in my nice car (by most standards ;-) ). Not only that, but here I am in class, being in a degree program to get a masters degree; something so many people in this world could hardly dream of the opportunity to accomplish. Truly, I would be a near shameful person to not be exceedingly grateful for the life that I'm living.

Also, perhaps one of the other things contributing to my thankfulness this morning is that I randomly fell upon a documentary of the 1918 flu pandemic last night. More specifically, it talked about the epidemic's effect in the united states. In total, the epidemic killed between 500-675,000 people in the US alone. And again, here I am in 2010, surrounded by medical advances that, as far as I could tell through some brief research, would not be nearly as overpowered by such an epidemic as they were then. I don't know, yesterday, for a few reasons, just kind of reminded me that I ought to be very grateful for my comfortable, happy life here in Springfield :-). And of course, there's that cute girl that I'm dating that makes me all the happier as well :-).

So happy January 19th everybody. It's a good day :-)

Phil 3:12b

Phil 3:12b

Though my life is fading quickly,
Let these words I say so faintly,
Breathe into this air something for which it longs,
Give into this life something for which it pains,
A soul, that knows Your pain.
A heart, that knows Your name.
For I was once I man among them,
I was once just as broken too,
But with life comes its many lessons,
But for them, it couldn't come too soon.
For this blood it runs cold to the heart,
This emptiness it cuts to the bone,
I only wish I could feel the harsh chill in the air,
So I too could call their pain my home.
Yet I am lost with simple empathy,
Praying the Spirit's knowledge is more,
Than my fallen compassion.
Yet as my life is fading quickly,
And I breathe out prayers from a heart I pray is worthy,
Let this life breathe out something for which they long,
A soul, that knows their pain.
A heart, that knows their names,
As well as You.

Ending fast

Well today is day 3 of being off of the fast, and as of last night I was pretty much able to eat whatever I want. I will say though that in my experience, some Immodium AD or some tums usually help out a bit when you're stomach's struggling ;-).

However, I would like to mention that I pushed it too hard the first time I ate. Definitely got a bit sick the next day. After that I was okay though, and so I'd like to come back to how it is that I'm eating this much already.

Honestly, coming off of a fast is different for everyone. For me, even when I did 14 days I was able to eat pretty much anything 24 hours after breaking my fast. This is not to say this is for everyone. The best answer I have as to how to tell what's okay to eat is simply 1 - pray before and as your eating to be sensitive if God says STOP, because I've ignored that before and gotten sick and 2 just listen to your stomach. I can't really explain it, but your stomach is just more sensitive after a fast. You can almost "feel" it digesting food, and so be aware if it feels like you're pushing it too hard. Just take it slow and try to enjoy what food you can eat, particularly the amount, and don't make yourself sick. Trust me, the sickness that comes with over eating after a fast is not fun. Ugh...can be one of the most painful things ever.

Anyway, so I can probably say that at this point, the "food" aspect of the fast is more or less over for me. Now it's just an issue of believing in all the spiritual things I sought after for 2010 to hopefully start coming to be. And I'll save this til later, but something very significant financially just happened for me, and if it all works out, that'll certainly be the subject of my next post :-)

Ambivalent?

I'm not even sure what I'm thinking.
Ambivalence is the norm it seems,
And at times the chaos is overwhelming.
I want order.
I want symmetry.
I just want clear indication,
As to what this all is.
These words, they form and then die, don't they?
These thoughts, they breed and then die, don't they?
Every day the beauty of one day is given up for the next,
It seems nothing is forever.
Sure I know this,
But I feel overwhelmed to the point of neurosis.
I can't understand it,
I can't figure it out,
And it pains me.
Am I neurotic? I don't know;
But that's precisely it, I don't know, I can't rationally ascertain it,
I can't grasp it,
I can't calculate it,
And it breaks me.
Ambivalence is the norm it seems,
When you don't let life,
Be life,
And you don't let beauty,
Be beautiful,
When you don't let God,
be God.

Nfl Playoff Predictions, Divisional Round

Well, first off, seeing as ALL of my wild card predictions were right (te he :-) ) I think it's okay to go ahead and draw out my whole playoff bracket and not seem like I'm skipping a round in doing so. Also, know that I will explain my divisional predictions. I would feel odd to go ahead and explain the conference matchups, which I'll do after the games are actually set.
So with my wild card predictions already posted, here's my bracket from here on out:

NFC

Divisional

Cowobys vs Vikings - Cowboys by 7

Cardinals vs Saints - Saints by 3

Conference Championship

Cowboys vs Saints- Cowboys by 10 (I think weak 15 repeats itself)

AFC

Divisional

Ravens vs Colts - Colts by 3

Jets vs Chargers - Chargers by 7

Conference Championship

Chargers vs Colts - Colts by 3

Superbowl

Colts vs Cowboys - Cowboys by 3

Alright, so now my divisional explanations

Ravens vs Colts

I think the Raven's ability to run the ball will help keep the Colt's potent offense off the field. However, the bottom line is Joe Flacco completed 4 passes against New England, and that's just not going to fly against the Colts. They are a far superior team to whatever it was that happened to the Pats, and that kind of one dimensional approach won't fly. THey'll need more than that to keep up with Peyton. Don't forget the Colts Dolphins game earlier this year. The Colts barely had the ball against a running, ball control Dolphins game; and only 17 minutes TOP for the whole game was enough for Manning to put up enough points for the win.

Jets vs Chargers

Revis is a great weapon to shut down one of Rivers' receivers; but one shut down corner won't be enough. The Chargers simply have too many weapons for the Jets. And on the defensive side of the ball, expect them to make Sanchez look a lot more like a rookie than he did against Cincinnati. I expect the Chargers to take control of this game.

Cowboys vs Vikings

Plain and simple: DEFENSE. The Vikings are scarily similar (for Vikings fans) to the Eagles on offense. But the main problem; they have issues on their offensive line, so expect Spencer and Ware to wreak havoc on Favre all day. And if that's happening, expect turnovers from Mr. Interception. Really, the truth is that many analysts have pointed out that this game is simply a mismatch for Minnesota. I think they're right, and I really won't be shocked if this game looks a lot like Dallas vs. Philly

Cardinals vs Saints

This one is probably the toughest. Here you have two very similar teams. I think it'll be a shootout of two high powered offenses. However, I think the Saints D will make the difference. They just got back their cornerback they've been missing really since he left midway through the season, and with his return Darren Sharper will get back to his game over the middle. Meaning, then, that as Warner had all that success over the middle vs the Pack, he probably won't have it in the Superdome.

Final day: Day 9

Well, today really wasn't all that difficult, and as of two hours ago, I had my first meal since Sunday night, January 3rd :-).
It was pretty good, about half a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some crackers. Later I had a small cup of pudding, and some crackers and apple sauce. I might have eaten a little too much, but I think I'll be fine. I feel pretty good right now.

But after having eaten, it kind of makes me realize how fasting really isn't the big deal to me that it used to be. What I mean is, I wasn't compelled to stuff my face because I missed food so much. And as of right now, I'm really in no great hurry to start eating pizza again. It's all just...food, and I'm content with what doesn't upset my stomach. I don't know, I guess God has just really helped me mature when it comes to the discipline of fasting. To put it really "traditionally," maybe I've really learned to "master my flesh" in that area..haha.

So thank you God for 9 days I've pressing in to see your glory manifest in 2010. I pray and believe it was effective, as I also pray you help me to come off of this fast wisely, and healthily.
Amen.

Day 8

Today's been kind of hard, mainly just because I've felt kind of tired and unmotivated all day. I slept for almost ten hours, and just haven't felt really energetic today. I could say it's the fast, which I'm sure is a big part of it, but I know you can be energetic while fasting too. I think today's just one of the non energetic days, lol.

I also think part of it is that I know that tomorrow night, I get to eat! Yay! haha. So I think my mind has maybe wandered a bit too much toward food, such that it's harder for me to concentrate on certain things (like school) and get as motivated, when really all I want to do is get to 8 PM tomorrow. hahaha.

But I know the point is to really enjoy this last day of fasting. To really savor this last little stretch of this spiritually intensive time, and believe for God to have heard this time of consecration unto Him loud and clear. Also, I know it's a time where I still continue to maintain my fasting mindset, meaning that even though I'm eating tomorrow, I know that mentally, I have to still have food a bit off limits. That I need to just be happy to eat some chicken noodle soup, and take it slow and listen to my stomach. Later next week, yeah, I'll probably start eating some really good things, but for now I just need to be cautious and enjoy eating what I can.

Movie Review: V for Vendetta

Okay, so let the political discussion begin.

Upon watching this film, while I certainly picked up on certain liberal strains (particularly the portrayal of the heinous dictator as a conservative who hated homosexuals) it wasn't until I watched the "making of" that exactly what they wanted to communicate became clearer to me.
However, (and please excuse if this sounds pretentious) what was particularly interesting to me was that I do not think it was simply because I "missed" the point. That I was too dull to catch the political sting they were going for. No, what I believe it was was simply a fundamental difference in ideology, such that my interpretation of the film was certainly far removed from theirs. Here's what I mean.

As I viewed it, V for Vendetta was a movie about a world in which a totalitarian dictatorship had taken over supreme political power in the world, and was utilizing heinously immoral fear tactics to assert its power. Because of this, the world has now sold themselves over to such unforgiving, corrupt leadership because they're willing to trade the peace they now have in their lives for the unthinkable acts being done behind the scenes. This being the setting, "V" then comes in as a variable ideological purist who seeks to reinstate the true virtues of human liberty into the system. Of course, since the system has been so thoroughly militarized, the only way he can do this is through violent force: through vigilante justice. Ultimately, he succeeds in reinstating a sense of humanity to the world by killing the main power figures over the corrupt government, and destroying the ultimate "symbol" of their power, parliament. That is of course a simplified version of it, with the other primary detail to be mentioned that, in the end, his quest for justice takes his life as well (his justice is also personal vengeance, but that's a whole other side of the story which does pertain, but merely fits into the overall themes of what I just stated) Anyways, in short, when I saw V for Vendetta I saw a man willing to step into a variable modern day Third Reich and do what it took to reinstate a sense of liberty to the communal human spirit.

Here's what the directors, apparently, wanted us to see:

For one, I will say that throughout the movie, I got the sense that they were trying to compare the oppressive dictatorship in the movie to the modern day US government. However, I sensed that they were still leaving their movie up to various interpretations. Apparently, in the directors' eyes, this is not what they wanted. As I listened to them discuss the "political message" of the movie, all they talked about was how V was a terrorist who stood for good while the government was fundamentally flawed and corrupt. And then Hugo Weaving (who played V) made a comment to the effect of "it makes you think about terrorists today, and how maybe we should try and understand them better." So basically, I caught the pretty clear vibe that the movie was trying to convey this idea that modern day conservatism is far too misunderstanding, and that if we continue in that direction, we might utterly crush human expression and essentially need a "terrorist" to set us aright. Now while this was extreme, I suppose what really got me was that they actually wanted to postulate this idea that V's character might in some ideological way manifest the modern day terrorist threat. That our aversion to contemporary terrorists, that our modes of precaution that are in some way "fear" based, are in some way unjustified because their message may truly be what we need in order to deliver us from our overt McArthianism and bring us back to a fully liberated psyche. Wow, just....wow. Now, I'm not saying that they came out and SAID this, but when Hugo Weaving says something like I mentioned earlier, the fact that they would even hope for our thinking to be turned in that direction from this movie is just ludicrous to me.

Which brings me to my full opinion on the issue:
A liberal takes this movie and tries to use it as a means to becry the crimes of governmental power and oppression. They point out the flaws in a conservative mindset and show how the whole world can literally go to hell in a firey flamebasket of fear: that intolerance is an insidious thing that will breed and mulitiply until our world is entirely overrun by a closeminded, unforgiving regime.

However, I have one overriding difficulty with this: is not the liberal platform the one that espouses greater governmental power and control? Yes, I know I am a conservative, but I'm farily sure that anyone educated at all in the differences between the conservative and liberal approach to politics and particularly economy would know that the conservative is more about the individual, and the liberal about the system. The conservative wants to get as close to true capitalism as possible, while the liberal wants to push more towards socialism, with an economy controlled by government related taxes. The conservative wants bigger businesses to employ more people; the liberal want to take that money from those businesses, put it in the hands of the government, and spread it how it sees fit (typically to help those who won't help themselves: different topic for a different day, though.) Anyway, this being considered, I thought it pretty logically inconsistent that the liberal agenda in this movie would be to criticize the conservative mindset as the one more akin to governmental regulation; when nearly anyone with any knowledge of the difference betweent these two thought camps would know that it's precisely the oppoite.

But ultimately, I could probably go on about that forever. So I'm going to let that suffice for now :-)

Day 7

So I'm making the home stretch now. And I must say it feels pretty good I guess. It really is crazy to think that it won't be long before I get to nibble on some God-given chicken noodle soup. Haha.
But it's been great, and I still want to enjoy the next couple of days of just focusing on Him as best as I know how. Yesterday was probably my easiest day so far, so I think, hopefully, now that I'm this far along that these last couple days shouldn't be too rough either. But considering that, there is one point for today I'd like to mention:
Why not go further?

I actually thought of this the moment I started. Ever since I matured in my fasting approach last year, essentially learning to just mentally give food up, the "final day" isn't the day of deliverance that it used to be. I think this is good. Because as I mentioned in an earlier post, when you dwell on that final day, it really just takes away from the fast as a whole, if anything because it 1- makes you painfully hungry, and 2 - sets you up to push yourself too hard in coming off the fast, and make yourself sick. So anyway, now having come to that point where I've really been able to just fast more peacefully, pretty much since day 1 I haven't been "counting down" until I can eat. However, the one key thing in regards to this fast for me is that this year I know God told me 9 days. It was a couple weeks before the fast, and when I prayed He said it pretty clearly. So I was like "Okay, good deal." So that should mean I shouldn't have even considered going further, right? Well, maybe, but I guess I've been of the mindset that if God wanted to stretch me further, or whatever, during the fast, that I would be willing to hear Him out. In fact, I actually kind of anticipated that I might go longer this year than I have in the past. But, the truth is that every time I've even thought about it in prayer, God has continuously reiterated to me "9 days," to the point that after I seriously prayed about it yesterday, I know that Tuesday night is the time for me to come off this fast.

Anyways, I mention this because I've come to experience two competing poles in fasting: the human pole, and the God pole. On the one hand, fasting is a Scriptural mandate that Jesus expects us to do (when you fast...they will fast when the bridegroom is gone), and that being the case, regardless of whether or not we get a clear word from heaven, as Christians fasting is a spiritual discipline that we ought not ignore. Simply, we (the human side) simply make the choice to obey Him. But on the other hand, and this has been fairly frequent in my experience, often when we pray and seek God about fasting, or about a long fast particularly, it seems, He may very well give us clear guidelines. He may tell us how long, what to fast, etc. And in these cases, we certainly need to heed that and not try and cheat our ways out of it. Furthermore, as it has been for me this year, we may even want to fast for a longer period of time, but He can still tell us that we've done what He's asked of us. Which is, obviously, satisfactory :-).

Yet as a final note about this, obviously trying to draw the line of our human hunger and what God really wants us to do with something like fasting is incredibly dubious. I mean, how many of us who have fasted have gone into our prayer closets, heard a creek in the door and said "The voice of God! He told me I can eat!" Haha. The point is, we have to as intentional as possible about seeking Him. We need to be hungry for Him. And if we truly seek after Him with everything, I think we'll start shying away from making excuses. Rather, we'll actually want to do whatever we can while fasting to get closer to Him, such that if in fact He does tell us our fast is concluded, we will know it's a pleased Father saying "well done" and not an irritated parent saying "Okay already, eat your stinkin cookies!"

Day 6

Mornings are always easiest. I have definitely come to realize that. Though I suppose I could have guessed this off of even one day fasts, as about 70% of the time I'm not really all that hungry the next day until around lunch time. My guess as to why this is is that as your body shuts down so much in sleep, you've spent 8 hours or so expending little energy. So when you wake up, your body's really not in all that great of need for food or anything like that.

But anyway, this has definitely been pretty evident for me the past two days, as I have woken up not even bothered by the absence of food, and later in the day certainly having hunger difficulties. And again so far this morning, I could care less about eating anything. I suppose the best thing to do is enjoy it, as it sure does feel peaceful when I'm fasting but not even physically struggling to fast, lol. Really, it's almost like the first few hours of the day give me the confidence that I could go for almost however long I want. And I guess that's for two reasons: 1 - simply because it's physically easy, and 2 - because it just feels pretty dang good spiritually speaking when you know you're doing the most you can possibly do to petition God's movement in your life, and you feel like you're doing it with relative ease. It's just like "ahh...just sit back and enjoy the ride into God's outpouring in my life." haha.

Of course, then a few hours later reality usually hits and I just keep praying to make it to the end :-).

NFL Playoff Predictions

Alright everyone, it's that time of year so loved by American football fans: the playoffs. It really is a good time for football, for on the Superbowl people who never watch the game do, and for those who are football fans but whose team hasn't made it, they are usually compelled to watch these 11 elimination games regardless.

So anyway, here are my predictions for wild card weekend.

Philadelphia at Dallas: Dallas by 10

Okay okay, so I am a die hard cowboys fan. They're my team, I want them to win, so sure I'm biased. However, most sports analysts are on my side in this one. The fact is that for whatever reason, the Dallas D has been the lone D able to stop the explosive Philadelphia offense. They averaged 30+ points against every other team they played; and scored 16 points in two games vs. Dallas. Of course, there's always that fear that after being swept by the Cowboys and having a rematch with them 6 days later, that the Eagles will come out and put it on the Cowboys. Trust me, I am pretty afraid of this myself. I am pretty worried that the Cowboys 13 season long playoff curse may come to roost this Saturday night. Also, there's just that difficulty with beating the same team three times, especially when the last two games are back to back. There's just so much these teams got to know about each other, that I'm sure the game plans will be a heck of a lot more improved on Philadelphia's side of the ball. However, and as my final thought, based off of Dallas exorcising the December demons with an impressive three straight wins (breaking the Saints 13 game win streak, then back to back shutouts) I think they're more than ready for the heat Philadelphia will bring. That's why I'm calling Dallas by ten. I think they're tired of the playoff-less Cowboys, and are ready to prove to everyone they're ready for a Superbowl win. I think they're just too physical on both the offensive and defensive lines, and I think that because of that they bring home another victory, and a trip to the divisional playoff, which I think they'll win (I don't think New Orleans or Minnesota will stop them)
*But a final thought, I definitely see a good chance of Philly winning. I'm pretty afraid of that. But as unbiased as I can be, I think Dallas makes a statement in this game.

Baltimore vs New England: Baltimore by 3

Yeah, you heard me right: Baltimore goes into Foxboro and beats the Pats at home. I know Tom Brady has never lost a home playoff game. But I also now that Wes Welker is out and I think the Ravens are going in with something to prove. I don't think Baltimore gets past the division round, but I think they pull the upset in this one. Sure, I won't be shocked at all if Brady wins it, but idk...I just think the Pats started falling apart this year, and that the Ravens are just playing better and are able to pull it off.

Green Bay vs. Arizona: Arizona by 3

What the heck!? Green Bay dominated them in the final game of the season! Yeah, but Arizona sat most of their starters, but the man who really counted on that bench was Kurt Warner. Dude gets hot in the playoffs: real hot. I think he knows what games like this are all about and turns that offensive explosion on we saw last year in the playoffs. Yes, I still like the Packer's chances in this game, but I think Arizona surprises a lot of people in this game...again (last year) and sends the Pack back to Lambeau. But I do think it's going to be a close game.

NYJ vs Cincinatti: Jets by 3

This one was probably hardest for me. I know the Jets plastered the Bengals last week, but the Bengals weren't really in that game. However, I do think that Revis shuts down Ochocinco, and that really makes it hard for the Bengals in my mind. I do like their running game with Cedric Benson, but I think Thomas Jones out performs him and Sanchez steps up to the pressure of this game and doesn't turn the ball over. Either way, I don't see either of these teams making it past the division round. The Colts or Chargers would plaster either of them.

Day 5

So a couple of things to mention:
One, I suppose I was wrong about the "watering down of juice" I mentioned yesterday. I've been drinking straight juice yesterday and today with no problem. I really just think it depends on the year (sometimes I've been more sensitive than others) and the person's stomach.
Secondly, although yesterday felt pretty easy to start off with, I started getting really hungry by the end of the day. Granted, it wasn't ever anything terrible, but it was definitely somewhat difficult for a good part of the day. Which brings me to a good "fasting topic."

Many will tell you that once you get past the first three days that it is much easier. Now, I won't tell you that's not true. As a pretty static rule for all people, every human body knows how to fast and knows how to shut down and begin operating in "fasting mode." For those of you who don't know, there are actually a good number of medical doctors who have written books on this, talking about how your body's metabolism shuts down, and begins producing and using energy in a fundamentally different way than when you're eating. There is a lot of pretty cool information pertaining to this, which I might get to later. But anyway, the point is that as a near scientific fact, everyone does, at least to some extent, begin to have an easier time with fasting after the third day. However, I will also tell you that I think it depends on the person as to how easy the subsequent days are. For instance, when it comes to me, the whole "third day hump" has never really been this glorious conquest; usually just a minor landmark. Because the truth is, most days of a fast are, for me, fairly difficult. I know what it's like to be pretty incredibly hungry all the way to day 8, for instance.

So with that stated, today's day 5 and I've been pretty hungry since around noon. However, I think my stomach's starting to calm down which is good. But based off of what I just said, I'm really not expecting random hunger pangs, at least for me, to vanish even until my final day (day 9). I'm not saying it's impossible, because while I have in fact experienced hungry days later in a fast, I have also had days where food wasn't much of an issue. Anyway, so I guess my point on this topic is that depending on the individual, "day 3" may not be your deliverance like you would hope it to be. BUT that brings me to my next and final point for today: it then becomes about your mindset.

Now, this idea has been huge for me when it comes to fasting. I mean, really huge, and something that I didn't really get until last year; meaning for about 6 years, 6 long fasts, I just hadn't grasped yet. And that is, my friends, mentally letting go of food. Here's what I mean:
Going back to my first fasting days, you approach it with this mindset "Ahhh I'm giving up food...ahh...but I CAN MAKE IT! just focus...focus...day 1....2....3....AHHH....4.....on onto the final day, whatever it is, and FOOOOOD! YAY!!!!!" But I'm telling you my friends, this is just not the way to fast, and for a handful of reasons.
1 - And perhaps the most important, hunger in itself is so much of a mental battle. The fact is that in regards to your mindset during a fast, you have to learn to think about food in a way that's moderate and reasonable. What I mean is, and for those of you who know how much I love food hopefully this has strong effect, food is not the glorious image you hold up in your head while you're fasting. It's just not. Take it from someone who has come off of many fasts, the fact is that about a week or so after you start eating again, food is good and all, but life is back to normal and if you get a chance to eat out, great. If you have to just eat a pb & j at the house, that's cool too. The point is that the way you envision food while you're fasting just isn't realistic; you're hungry so you make it into something it's not. What you have to do is realize that once you start eating again, it won't be long before those days of crying out to God for a burger will be long forgotten, that food is just food and it's not the god you're empty stomach will make it out to be. Also, just like so many other things in this world that pertain to our physical desires, the more you think about and dwell on it, the more you want it. If I sit here and meditate on the pizza I'm going to eat in a month, it won't be long until I'm chaining myself to floor to keep me from going to the kitchen now. Simply, if you keep thinking about your "day of deliverance" when you get to eat again, it only serves to make you hungry, and I mean hooongry.
2 - This pertains to number one; if you're going on any type of long fast, another huge reason to not think on what you're going to eat when you finish is that you can't eat the stuff you fantasize about when you're done. If you start pushing 7 days or more, there's no use in thinking of the prime rib steak you're going to eat, because you won't be able to eat it for at least a few days or more after you come off your fast. Furthermore, this also means that when you finally do come off of the fast, you're not thinking about the joy of just getting to eat something again; you're still set on that "glorious succulent juicy God-given steak!" And this points to number
3 - The main thing you have to do mentally when it comes to fasting, is make the decision to give up food twice as long as you fasted. Honestly, this might be the most important point. You have to be in the mindset that once you come off the fast, food is still in a lot of ways off limits; you eat small and intelligently and listen to your stomach if you're pushing yourself to hard. You need to be content with taking it slow and really just almost maintain the mindset you had while fasting, that the "glory that is food" is mentally off limits. But again, I am saying that the "glory that is food" you will soon forget after coming off of the fast, meaning that you need to just try and think about food the way you do when you're eating normally; that it's a pretty good thing, but not the sole desire of your being for which you feel you'd punch a thousand babies to get.

So yeah, my point is that when you fast, it makes the world so much better when you learn to just let go of food, and what I mean by that is letting go for about double the time you fasted. And if you do that, when you come off it will be so much easier and peaceful, and actually allow you to enjoy coming off on chicken noodle soup, and not put pressure on you to stuff your face and get really, really sick.

A good day. And who wins tonight?

Today is a good day. I feel good, life is good. I don't know, it's just a good day. There's snow on the ground outside, it's pretty, and it just makes for a good day. Of course, it is 7 degrees but hey, I'm more of a cold weather person and it honestly doesn't bother me that much. I guess I'm a freak. O well.
But anyway, I'm enjoying being back at school for now. If anything, probably because schoolwork hasn't really started yet, haha.

But with that stated, there's another reason today is a good day: National Championship baby! Woo!!
For those of you who don't know, I am a HUGE football fan. Love the game, love watching it, love analyzing it, everything; I love football.
So here are my thoughts on tonight's national title game between Alabama and Texas.

First of all, even though a part of me wants Texas to win, I just can't bring myself to make that prediction. I predict an Alabama victory, either 20-14, or by some blowout score. So yes, either way I think Texas loses; I think the question is will they make a game of it, or get blown out.
So why do I think this?
Well, in agreement with many football analysts, the real problem for Texas, and particularly Colt McCoy, is that the two times they've played great defenses this year, their offense flopped. Against Oklahoma they won 16-13 and McCoy had a terrible game. And against Nebraska McCoy had another lousy outing, not to mention getting sacked 9 times and almost losing the game on a really poor decision throwing the ball out of bounds JUST before time expired.
This being the case, is it not a big stretch to think that McCoy will match up against a defense at least equal to if not much better than these other two team's? I really don't think he will. In fact, the big problem is that Nick Saban is so good at giving mutiple different looks on defense in order to push any quarterback into making mistakes, that I just don't think McCoy can handle it. Honestly, I won't be surprised if Bama has a turnover field day on him.

But as a final thought, I guess I can't say I'm ruling Texas out COMPLETELY. If anything, maybe the significance of such a HUGE game will bring out the best in McCoy. Maybe he'll step it up immensely, and surprise us all. I wouldn't put it past him, completely. But then you have to consider the fact that in the Big 12 championship, with a national title bid on the line, that the Texas offense and McCoy got DOMINATED. But who knows, maybe that shot in the gut will make them extra prepared for the Crimson Tide. And one other thing I should mention is that it's not like I totally want Texas to lose; my brother graduated from there and I'd be pleased to see them pull off the upset. Both for my brother and just because it's always fun to see the underdog pull it off. However, I am still more of an SEC fan at heart and in this particular case it just seems like the upset might be out of reach.
I guess we'll see...

Day 4

It's kind of hard to imagine that I'm in my fourth day now. I guess since I've done it for the past seven years or so, it's not nearly as stressful or mentally consuming that it used to be.
I will say one thing; yesterday I definitely got over a hump. I woke up feeling kind of weak and "sickly," but it's that sickly particularly associated with what I'm doing. Basically, a sickly where you can just feel your body trying to purge itself of all the crud, but kind of struggling to do so. So I drank some prune juice, and a few other juices, and I felt much better after an hour or so.
Anyway, well when I woke up today I actually felt pretty great! And if you can believe it, I actually have a pretty good amount of energy right now!

So with all of that in mind, I'm really glad to be on this fast. I'm kind of truckin along, getting kind of in the groove of doing it, and when I have prayed and read for the past couple days, it has just been so intimate. I can just feel, or sense, whatever, God moving in my life during this time.

Anyway, after having said all this I feel I need to interject something. That is, many of us are hyper sensitive to someone mentioning to anyone that they're fasting, because we fear the boasting that Jesus critiqued in Matthew 6. Well, the thing about that passage is that Jesus criticizes the Pharisees for going overboard trying to draw attention to themselves (disfiguring their faces, even). But in writing this blog about fasting today, I promise you that that is not my intention. I kind of just want to blog each day maybe, from here on out, to kind of describe to whoever's reading this what it's like to live through a longer fast, day by day. I promise I'm not trying to do anything other than just document my experience, and thereby hopefully help any of you combat any fears or reserves you may have about fasting. To let you know that even a skinny guy like me can fast for a while and still have plenty of energy and joy in his day to day life to truly enjoy it, to truly get closer to God, and not begrudgingly suffer through every day.

So a last more technical fasting thought for the day:
Now that it's day 4, my stomach (everyone's a bit different) has moved past the ability to drink straight juice. It's too strong and well uh....wants to flush right through if I drink too much of it ;-). This is because anyone can fast about 3 days and after the third day pretty much go back to eating whatever they want. You might want to take it easy for like the first meal, but you're probably fine. But after that third day usually, your stomach really begins to alter into "fasting mode" and you need to take it a bit easier with what you drink. For me, it's simply watering down my juice a little bit. *However, I DO NOT water down my gatorade. I've never had to do that, and the one year I tried doing that, the watered down gatorade really screwed my stomach up. So anyway, those are some brief fasting "ideas." Maybe tomorrow, or at least at some point, I'll probably go more in depth about fasting as a whole.

How to be an evangelist (in my humble opinion)

I want to be an evangelist for Christ. But I'll be plainly honest; I've felt, for so long, very unsure as to how to go about doing that. Really, the simple explanation for this confusion were the years I spent in youth group hearing the message of "EVANGELIZE TO EVERYONE NOW OR THEY'LL ALL DIE AND GO TO HELL!!"
Now, I'm not saying that there's not some merit to an urgency when it comes to winning the lost. Because, yes, the real truth is that there are plenty of people who need the gospel, and if we fail to bring it to them, they may very well end up in hell.
However, perhaps my main grievance with this viewpoint so often dominant in the modern day, American church setting, is that it seems far too man, and not Spirit, based. Allow me to explain:

Evangelism is a Spiritual endeavor. Quite simply, the very thing we know as "evangelism" hinges the entirety of its existence upon the outpouring of the Spirit in Acts 2. We wouldn't even know this concept known as "evangelizing" were it not for the empowerment of the Spirit in that chapter. Furthermore, if one takes the time to read the early history of the church as relayed in this book, they will find one overriding theme: Spirit based/guided proclamation of the gospel. Throughout the book, you will find stories of the apostles and early church praying about the Spirit's direction when it came to the placement of missionaries (Acts 13, Paul and Barnabas to the Gentiles) and really just the general direction of the gospel's proclamation as a whole(Acts 16:6-10). Anyways, the point being that evangelism's root definition is found in an approach that is highly sensitive to the Spirit's direction when one preaches, ministers, etc.

Okay, but of course the question is, "Are you saying contemporary American Christianity doesn't portray it that way?" Well, more or less, yes I am. However, the first thing I should say is that I am not one make a blanket statement, so I'm sure this isn't the case everywhere. However, I do think it is a problem, and here's what I mean:
When a message goes out that essentially says "in a perfect world, you would be winning the lost at almost every conscious second of your life" it seems pretty inevitable that people will begin to seek out ways on their own to go about doing that. Essentially, the main implication of this means of preaching evangelism is that it is up to you to reach them. You need to be preaching. You need to take every opportunity in front of you, preach to all that you can, minister to all that you can, you need to take that burden and do all you can to reach the lost. In other words, the focus is on you; God has given you His word, now go and preach it to everyone you can find. Of course, this doesn't seem all bad, but when you really look at it, does this really look like the early churches approach? I don't think so.

To give an example, if I'm under the more "you" based persuasion, when I go to witness to people, I will be choosing to do so myself and really take it upon myself to get through to the lost. Thus, I may go up to some random guy at the story, or wherever, and begin thinking of whatever persuasive words I can to try and convert or spiritually help this person. But perhaps more importantly, I would be doing this almost every second of every day, if I were truly a devoted evangelist!
But on the other hand, if I am following the example that I believe was set in Acts, I would be seeking the Spirit, and not myself, for the entirety of my day to day evangelistic life. I would be in constant prayer about God opening the doors, presenting opportunities, and giving me the words to say. To give some pretty blunt scriptural substantiation for this, look at Paul's words in Colossians 4:3 and 5: And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ... Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.

In other words, it seems to me that Paul had a pretty clear understanding of the Spirit's guidance and direction when it came to witnessing; He opened the doors, He made the opportunities, and it is simply up to us to be available. And with that, we come to what I think is the key word to being an effective evangelist: availability.
Because the truth is, no one wants to reach the lost more than God (1 Tim 2:4, 2 Pet. 3:9) I mean, He died on a cross for them for crying out loud! And though this may seem rather rudimentary, when you really think about it, a really man based approach to evangelism kind of takes this for granted. That is, in thinking that I've got to reach them (for fear of their eternal destination), am I not depending on myself and not God? To put it another way, does it not show a lack of faith in God when we're ruled by fear both of we're they're going, and the price we'll pay, for not reaching them? Essentially, we take it on ourselves, and forget that no one is more desperate to reach them than Him, that we just need to get on His "Holy Spirit bandwagon" and stop trying to knock it over and push our own. So ultmately, I believe that all He wants are those who are available and sensitive to His Spirit, when it comes to evangelizing.
So what does that look like, you ask? Well, in my opinion probably something like this:

Praying every morning that God attunes your ears to who He is reaching. That he shows you the doors that he is opening, and not that you're trying to force open.
Praying over passages like Colossians 4:3 and 5, or also Acts 16:6-10, where it says that the Spirit prevented Paul and Luke from going to Asia, later calling them to Macedonia, which clearly show that the Spirit has foreknowledge as to who he wants you specifically, to reach.
And ultimately, I think having this as a priority every day will open things up to you. I think God may give you words, or clues, or generally just a greater sensitivity, to who He's reaching in the world around you. And then knowing that you're available, I believe He'll show you what to do or say, and how to do or say it. That it will be His Spirit working through you, and not your desperate, fear based tactics of hoping "they all don't die and go to hell because of me!"